Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Another child "gone missing".
Does that phrase begin to convey
the anguish of the parents?
Can even God protect the children
from all the monsters in the world?

is it just me, or does everyone else hope that there is a special place reserved in hell for anyone who hurts an innocent child. I cannot even begin to imagine the agony of not knowing where my kids are or if they were ever coming home again. when it's stranger danger I hope that those people burn in hell, when it's a family member i hope they burn in hell over and over and over again. Is that harsh? I don't really care. It's Gods job to forgive, not mine. And I'm sure He is way more capable of doing it than I would ever want to be.actually, in this instance I don't even want to be forgiving. There are no excuses, no justifications no accidents...it's just pure evil. My own kids are 18, 20 and 33, yet I still fear for them in this world. It seems so odd that when I was young I never feared a boogey man but the older I get the more sure I am that there is always another one out there just waiting for his chance.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.
I'm also going to take the $10 my Mom
gives me and buy some flowers
to plant.
Then make a chocolate cake
(to share)?

Sunday, June 20, 2010


The internet is like my car.
It's been around a while.
I love it and can't live without it.
But when it won't work, it is
just a piece of shit!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

here i sit. upset, crying and seeing no happy solutions. in a previous blog i mentioned emilys boyfriend, brian, came for a visit and stayed to look for a job..and Mike has been pissed off ever since. so, today i get yet another long text from him...Brian must go now..or else he is moving out. so i leave work early and come home, we have a big fight. then i have to tell emily the bad news. so now every one is upset...except mike, because he is getting his way. and i sit here wishing i had enough money right now to just say "fine, get out". he has been drinking all day, of course. and when i was standing there all upset he just started making fun of me because i couldn't articulate the words i wanted to say. so, how does that make me feel? how would anyone feel. i am thinking that if the marketing job doesn't pick up i will find another part time job and then he can just be gone. i have truly had enough this night. but as for emily and brian, i think maybe some time apart won't be such a terrible thing. when she gets a job he can come back and stay until he also finds work. I just don't have any answers tonight. I am tired, upset, I left work early which I never do. Mike is just so selfish at all times and looking back i realize he always has been, I just never noticed it so much as i have lately. The unemployment rate in Oregon is around 11 %, and Brian hasn't found a job in 5 weeks...gosh, how terrible. Brian even asked me if he were to get a loan from his dad to help out with the car ins. would that make mike more reasonable. I had to tell him that truthfully, I doubt it. i am just so frustrated right now, and on top of everything else, my internet keeps going out, so every few minutes i just sit here trying to vent and even the cable company is against me this night. I have called them so many times lately that i finally just printed their number on the front cover of the phone book. but, what i started to type an hour ago was that it seems my relationship with mike is always just give, give, give. last year i saved money and bought him a sig sauer pistol, this year i saved and bought him an ar15 rifle because he wanted one, and when he first moved here i took out a loan on my 401 to build another room on the mobile or else he wouldn't live here. I guess it was a good thing i did that though, if not i would be looking at a big house payment if he goes. he never gives, he just takes and leaves behind hurt and heartache, but he doesn't ever care because he gets his way. i can't be sure how this will end...i am sure it won't be a happy ending, maybe just an ending.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

All the women wear sandals.
My ugly feet are stuffed
like turkeys into shoes.
I wonder, where do they
find the time to paint their

Monday, June 7, 2010

well, all is certainly not well here. mike just sits here and stews all the time then when he goes to work he sends me these long text about "get this done, get that done" etc. Now i am supposed to get brian out on july 1st, then when emily gets a job and can cover his car insurance he can come back here to stay and look for work. sounds reasonable, except for brian has nothing left to go home too. he quit his job to stay here, he cancelled his car ins. back there. and among all this my nerves are frayed. the truth is, even if they both get a job and try to save money to move out, he will still be stewing about them being here. so i can see this coming to no good end. my neighbor has her 30+ year old son living with her, not working, just drinking and hanging out. they fight all the time. my other neighbor has his 30+ son living with him, i don't here any fighting, but his son drinks and has lost his drivers lisence. my other neighbor let her son move a travel trailer onto her front lawn for months til he went to jail for drug charges (what a messed up neighborhood, mr. rogers would be so proud). and as mentioned before, mike moved home with his parents several times in his adult life...so what the F**K is his problem? I am just truly tired of everything being all about him. i don't think he has ever once considered my feelings in all this and the fact that i am not going to toss my daughter out or her boyfriend. I am tired of tippy toeing around worried about what will make him mad. do you know something dumb? the other night i went to bed and he was crabby earlier so i didn't turn my light on. i only managed to pull up the quilt and get under it instead of between the . sheets...here is the dumb part..i just slept there all night because i didn't want to upset him by getting up and moving all around and then crawling back into bed. is this any way to live my life? always wondering what will piss him off? Don't get me wrong, he doesn't hit me or anything, it's just all the emotional crap i am sick of. like just this minute, i got a text from him. he sat here all morning and never spoke then when he got to work he sent a long text as mentioned above, so i texted back and said this exactly "to afraid to say this to me so write a fucking book?" he finally just answered me and said he didn't know what he wanted to say, won't write a f***ing thing any more..f***ing problem solved". so i did the only mature thing i could do, i texted back "whatever". I think i can afford to live on my own, i still have two jobs and if i make emily and brian pay up while they are here i can do it. there is just so much wrong right now. did i mention that he went through $100 of brandy in his 10 day vacation? one bottle every day of various sizes. (can't see how that might contribute to any of the problem, can you?)
now it is 2 a.m. i just got home from work...will i sleep on the couch or try to crawl into bed without disturbing him thus upsetting the apple cart...waving a red flag in front of the bull...jiggling the beehive...you get my drift? smart money says i will just stay on the couch. one of the things that makes me so mad is that we never "argue". he just has his say and that is it...end of discussion. he either walks off or gets really pissy, but he NEVER listens to what i have to say. i suppose that is why i have a blog to vent on. oh, and yesterday i got an email from his mom saying they wanted to come and visit on the 23, 24 and 25. just like last year. he told me to write back and say it wasn't a good time, that next month would be better (brian will be gone, he figures). so i wrote back and told her what he said, but i also told her that he was mad that brian was here and it would be a totally uncomfortable dinner with him glaring at everyone. how is that for a bit of justice? I snitched him out to his own mother! i'm not sure what will happen here. today i am just to tired and frustrated to even worry about it anymore.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

A picture is worth 160!
The latest fad
$2-$5k for a small
cut to put dimples in
cheeks or chins.
My butt must be worth
at least a gazillion bucks!